Reflections

James 4:17

2009-05-24T10:54:00.005-05:00

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

It seems pretty straight forward.

Right
Wrong

God designed me with a strong sense of both of those. However, I also naturally lean toward rebelliousness. So when I screw up, I can't look at God and claim, "I didn't know what I was doing." He and I both know better. There have been times in my life when I have metaphorically looked God in the eye, face brazen like a stubborn child, and told Him I was choosing something other than Him.

And in my mind's eye, I see His face and my heart is broken at the way my words and actions hurt Him. Maybe that's why it is so easy to do sometimes - I can't see His face other than in my mind, and I can choose to block that image out. But I can feel His heart. And though I know I am stepping into the wrong thing, His heart beats in my chest and thankfully, He wins out eventually. He doesn't let go of this ridiculously stubborn child.

He seems to let me go so far down a path and then reminds me with His loving-kindness that I am His. Sometimes it's as simple as His whisper carried on spring breezes that kiss my face. Other times, it comes from the lips of a friend who believes in me more than I would ever dare. And I then find myself in a place of brokenness that feels far deeper than the stony theological term "sin".

And I am again faced with the fact that my reality is His grace.

And His grace is a whole other can of worms. There are days when I wonder how He could ever love someone like me. I wonder why He chose me when He knew I would rebel like this. But isn't that just what grace is? Isn't that His loving-kindness in action? Doesn't that draw me in to love Him more?

Right
Wrong

When I stop being selfish and rebellious, the choice is a no-brainer. Even if doing the right thing hurts in the present, isn't it better than dealing with the natural consequences of sin and the pain of knowing I have grieved the One who gave everything to save me?

Proverbs 13:12

2008-11-08T20:02:00.002-06:00

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

There is nothing neat and tidy about life. At least, not mine. In fact, it rather looks like a big ball of yarn that a cat got a hold of. At one point, it seemed to wrapped tightly in a neat little package. But then came along the cat and ever since, its been a mess that seems to follow no logical path and leaves my hopes and dreams scattered like victims on the highway.

It truly does make the heart sick when hope is deferred. In fact, earlier this week I seriously wondered if it was possible for a human heart to simply burst. Seems to me that would be far more managable than dealing with the pain of hope deferred. To be told once again, "Wait," is the last thing on earth I want to hear - especially when the words, "Ok, now it is time," may never actually come.

I've had a few longings fulfilled along the way...just enough to keep me going. And it is a breath of fresh air after sitting in a smokey room.

However, right now, I'm learning to deal with the brokenness of this life. I can't spiritualize it, it just really stinks sometimes. A lot of times, if I'm gut level honest. Things don't turn out the way we hope or plan. Plan A fails. Then plan B fails. We have a long alphabet, so you get the idea. I know in my head that God knows what He is doing, but when hope is continually deferred, one starts to lose the hope of a longing fulfilled. And that is a murderous heartache.

Is God still good? I can't answer that right now. I know the "Jesus answer", but in the rawness of pain, the "Jesus answer" just doesn't cut it. It is a bloody mess of a struggle.

Life is messy. Heartache is inevitable. So I guess the darker the night, the brighter the stars. Or something like that.

John 11:32

2008-09-29T22:55:00.002-05:00

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

The story about the death of Lazarus found in John 11 is my favorite story in the whole Bible right now. There is a genuineness found in this story that I don't find in other parts of the Bible - or maybe it is just one that resonates more deeply with me. I see this as a story about hope.

Mary and Martha knew that Jesus could have stopped the death of their beloved brother, Lazarus. But I enjoy the way they both approach the situation when Jesus does finally show up on the scene...four days too late. Martha hears that Jesus is in the neighborhood and runs out to meet and confront Him in her brokenness. Some people accuse Martha of lacking faith - I mean, she was the busy one. Really though, I think she's just a typical older sister. Her words tell of her faith.

"Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give You whatever You ask."

The fact that our beloved Mary repeats the first part of this word for word tells me that they had been seriously processing the fact that Jesus didn't come through for them. They sat in that dark room crying to one another, not understanding but longing to. They know who He is as evidenced by verse twenty seven, and their faith has been turned on its head because their Christ fell short of their expectations.

Jesus answers her gently and then at some point asks for Mary.

Mary has an entirely different response. One of complete brokenness and confusion and hurt that makes you want to rip your insides out.

She fell at His feet.

Consider that posture. It speaks volumes. In most cases it would be a sign of submission - as it is here as well. But it also a posture of someone deeply aching with the hurt they have experienced. Her pain was double - her brother was now four days in the tomb and her Jesus wasn't there when she needed Him most. In the following verse, we find her weeping. I wonder if she only said those twelve words because that's all she could utter between the sound of her breaking heart and the disappointment in the One she had given her everything to.

Mary was a tender heart, to be sure. But her realness and submission even in the midst of her confusion and mourning even gets Jesus. He sees her - and her friends who were also with her weeping - and He is deeply troubled. The God of the universe was impacted by this beloved woman who was hurting. He took that pain upon Himself and He wept...then went to work.

Something in that story really resonates with me. Jesus allowed the unthinkable to happen in Mary and Martha's life. And the worst part was that He never bothered to show up. But I have a sneaking suspicion that He was never really far from them. He needed it to happen, not just for them, but for the entire world to see the way He would bring glory to the Father through the situation. He knew their threshold all along. He met them toe to toe at just the right point in the story. All hope was gone, but then He came through. Isn't that just what He does?

Lord, please come through in my life
Please help me to hold on to the story you are weaving
When all hope is gone, bring this to mind
And let me remember that You love even when it doesn't feel like it
So that I can step out boldly in the faith You have given me

Proverbs 16:9

2008-09-27T23:55:00.003-05:00

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

This verse has been meandering in my mind lately. It has randomly come up in various emails and from the mouths of those around me. I think God is trying to get my attention.

I have plans. The problem is, I'm not sure how they all work out. Here's what I mean:

I want to be a writer. I want to live in Boone, NC. I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Colorado. I want to be a nurse. I want to be a missionary. I want to live in Africa. I want to learn French. I want to learn Swahili. I want to go back to school to become a literacy specialist. I want to be a wife and mom. I want to have many more adventures.

Living here in PA was never in my plans. In fact, if memory serves, I really tried to avoid the Northeast. But God, with His sense of humor, brought me here for His purposes. I had a plan/dream to get into mobilization, but He determined the steps - living at home for a year and then moving here. Looking back, I see some reasons for the way things happened. I don't know that I will ever understand them all. And that's ok, I don't need to.

I've been thinking long and hard about going back to school for a year to become a literacy specialist - to train people to read in their language so they can read Jesus' words in their mother-tongue. And in the last three weeks that I have pondered on it, it seems that I have gotten great amounts of encouragement toward it...but tremendous doubts have also assailed me. One big one being that if I do this, I will be better off being single so as not to drag my family all around with me. Then comes the realization of how petty that is - I'm worried about getting married and having a family when there are people dying apart from Jesus every day. Where are my priorities?

I have a course planned for my life. Thankfully, my plans are always set in Jello. God is going to determine the steps for me; it isn't something I need to fret about. I know it will most likely not consist of a large blinking sign saying "This way!", though that would be great. I'm not sure what His leading will look like - but I know that a heart committed to Him will reflect His plans - so that's my game plan.

I just wish I could remember that every single moment of every single day.

When will I be able to fully trust You?
My dreams seem impossible.
Yet to You, nothing is impossible.
You know my heart.
It is all I have to offer.
Be gentle, please.
I can't take much more.

John 11:33-35

2008-09-12T20:47:00.003-05:00

"When Jesus saw [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" He asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept.

Often quoted for being the shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35 gives me hope this week.

On the plane ride from the Carolina's back to PA, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I have become somewhat of a modern-day nomad in the last six years of my life. I feel as though I am not at home anywhere, yet I feel at home everywhere. It is a paradox that I am still working out - but I don't see it changing anytime in the near future. I suspect I will keep moving around for the years to come.

Coming back to PA after a trip out West (and to SC) has proven to be just about all I can handle. Tears have threatened my eyes too many times to count in the past week.

Perhaps it is because I realized just how tough the last two months have been by being away. Perhaps it was because I connected so well with others out West and have struggled to do that here to the same level. Perhaps it is because I felt like I was coming "home" to a strange place after feeling so at home all week, but knowing that this is supposed to be home. Perhaps it is because there is no true escape for me here - no place of complete peace. Perhaps it is because disappointment still hits me hard, even when I try to ignore it. Perhaps it is because everything in my life keeps transitioning, nothing seems to be stable. Perhaps it is because I'm a fragile person who can only take so much of this life before my heart overflows with all the losses.

Regardless of what it is that has caused this stream of tears in my heart, I take comfort in the fact that my very Saviour shed His own tears at the difficulties endured in this life. He was no stranger to this road of transition and loss. It was all around Him. And yet, shedding tears was not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of humanity. That is a Saviour that I can identify with.

It has taken me a long time and many counseling sessions to realize that it is ok to cry. I try not to, but then I realize that it is a gift that God gave us. The human heart needs a form of release. It can be a sign of brokenness and pain, but it is not a sign of a faltering faith.

Deuteronomy 31:6/Hebrews 13:5

2008-08-14T20:31:00.003-05:00

"...He will never leave you nor forsake you."

Tonight I was asked to reflect on an issue that I have struggled with, but have not expressed.

For the last four-ish years, I have not felt close to God, save for a moment here or there.

Prior to these four years, I was very much a feeling person and would struggle greatly if I did not feel God's nearness to me. And I think He put up with it and took our relationship to solid ground with letting me feel that closeness much of the time. Many of my friends would look at me today and still say that I was a feeling person, mostly because I am. However, something inside of me has changed.

While living overseas, God let the world as I knew it be shattered. It felt like God opened the floodgates of heartache and struggle and I knew I couldn't make it through. But I think that's just what He was teaching me.

I couldn't make it. But He could.

Problem was, He was the One letting it all happen and that didn't fit my image of Him. I had been obedient and had gone overseas to serve Him - it wasn't fair of Him to let all hell break loose when I was so far from home and there because He asked me to be. And what made it all much worse is that I no longer felt the warmth of His hand on me. I had no idea how to function in this new realization that God didn't feel close. In my head, there was a knowledge that God was always there - that He would never leave me - but it felt hollow. I cried and slipped into depression and it got ugly for quite awhile. Then I started hearing what my close friends were saying.

Mind over matter.

It seems quaint and cliche to say it in that way, but it has impacted my thinking on such a deep level. They helped me to realize that God is not a feeling. God is truth and God is love. What the Bible tells me is that God will never leave nor forsake me. It does not say that if I can't feel Him, He has turned away from me. Mind over matter. Matter being my heart most of the time.

It sounds cold. But the hard fact is that He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when others do, He will not. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He loves me any less. He's simply teaching me to love Him even when...my heart is broken...I feel alone...I can't go on...I can't feel Him. He pulled the rug out from under me...to reveal a beautiful hard wood floor.

It has made a world of difference. He tells us simply in the Bible that if we love Him, we will follow His commands (John 14: 15, 21, 23). It isn't about following Him when I feel like it. It is about a love relationship where I choose to obey Him because He asks me to - because ultimately, He knows what is best - for me, but more importantly, for His glory.

Mind over matter. My heart says one thing, but my head knows the Truth - can I really trust what God says in His Word? Though I stumble constantly, I know I am forgiven - I live in the reality of His grace.

I don't have to feel Him to know that He is there - He tells me He is, but will I believe Him?

Philippians 4:6-7

2008-08-02T23:25:00.003-05:00

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Tears threatened to blind me as I frantically read every street sign, knowing that I had somehow missed the one I was looking for. The directions I had been given seemed straightforward, but nothing is so simple in this part of the country. The words, "Every little road leads to a big road eventually" played in my mind with the thought that even if a big road came along, it would not be helpful to me - I simply do not know the area well enough. Had this not been the second time in two weeks that I had gotten lost, it wouldn't have been nearly so stressful.

Before the tears won out, I cried out to Jesus, "Please, just help me - You know where I am and where I need to go - clear my mind so I can think logically." There was no blinking sign that said the name of my road and no voice from heaven saying, "Go this way." There was but a gentle peace that rested on my shoulders and worked its way into my heart, trying to massage out the frustration and exhaustion. Finally, I saw the name of my road and turned onto it. As I went further and further, I asked again for clarity of mind - and soon realized that I was going the wrong way. So I got turned around and nearly an hour after I left my friend's house, I returned home. It should have only taken 20 minutes.

But as I sit and process this event, I realize that God answered me. No one in the world knew where I was at that moment - I was completely alone. But God had His hand on me the whole time and when I called, He answered. He cleared my mind of the thoughts that hindered my logic and reminded my heart to live in His grace. In short, He covered me in His peace; and whereas I felt like I was on the edge of it - it was sufficient enough.

I was not thankful when I asked Him for help - I was frantic and frustrated. As I ponder the words in that passage, however, I see that He has made me thankful - despite my anxiety.

Lord, let my prayers to be an act of trust,
Not always a last ditch effort for sanity.
Please teach me.
And then help me to remember.
Thank You that You hear me and respond regardless.

Psalm 116:7

2008-07-13T22:48:00.003-05:00

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."

It is midnight here. All is quiet except for the buzzing of the enormous fly who sneaked into my house. Friday began a new chapter of life for me. One not filled with children and endless hours of work to do every evening and weekend - one far away from anything and anyone that I know. But I find myself strangely at peace; certain that this is the peace that surpasses all understanding. This just feels normal to me at this point. Though I'm sure as the week progresses, there will be moments of screaming at myself, "What have you done!?"

God has been good to me.

Even if this job had not come through. Even if I were still stuck in Iowa doing a job that didn't fit me well. Even if I had not gotten to see so many of my friends on the way out here. Even if I had nothing at all...I could still say that God has been good to me.

Tonight finds me reflecting on how God has been good to me. A few years back, God shook me to my very foundations and reminded me of what He did for me 2000 years ago. He taught me about grace and what it means to make grace my reality. I have screwed up. I have not been faithful. I have fallen short on countless turns. I have not trusted. I have cried out in bitterness. I have been downright ugly. And yet, God has chosen to love me in the midst of all of that. I'm floored. I know how undeserving I am of the "good things" that come my way...but most of all, I think I realize more and more with each passing day and each hideous sin how unworthy I am of His grace. And sometimes I want to push Him away and tell Him that it is too ugly...but He speaks His love to me and my desire for that Love wins out.

God has been good to me.

Thank You for this peace.

Romans 8:28

2008-06-15T23:07:00.003-05:00

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Tragedy is touching so many in my life right now. I sit here in the Iowa City area trying to stay afloat while wondering how my neighbors to the north in Parkersburg are doing in the rebuilding of their city while my good friends just had a baby who is fighting for his life. Show me a place where tragedy is not happening in the world right now, I dare you.

It is so easy to get discouraged in times like these when everything around you seems to be coming apart at the seams. But this passage, more than just about any other, holds me together and provides me with hope that transcends my understanding. Last week in church, our pastor said we would worship come Hell or high water. This week we did just that. Our church building is destroyed - but our church is probably more in tact than ever before as through this we have had to pull together as one Body. And God is using this - the Word was spoken on CNN World News as well as many other newscasts because of this flood.

Life isn't always easy - in fact, the older I get, the more I find that it is pretty often rather difficult. But we have this promise that God will use what we are walking through for good. Maybe a good that is not tangible; maybe not one we can see. But someday, it will be clear. As my pastor has pointed out, we see the back of the tapestry - and it looks like a bloody mess. God sees the front of things and how beautiful it all is...and because He is God, we can trust in His goodness, even in times when it seems goodness has left for the day.

God is good.
All the time.
And all the time.
God is good.
AND THE BEST.
IS YET TO COME.
(The weekly saying at my church in Senegal.)

Hebrews 13:5b

2008-05-22T22:41:00.003-05:00

..."I will never leave you nor forsake you."

These eight simple words can make a world of difference to the sinking soul. They can speak life to the one with dying dreams. And they can speak of incredible love to the one looking back and recounting the past.

The latter is where this night finds me. I have been through ten months of floundering; feeling certain that I got off God's path and was so disoriented, couldn't find my way back onto it. The time of feeling lost brought significant pain, wounds, and disappointment. God could have easily protected me from the hurtful words of others. He could have easily shielded my heart from the struggle with forgiveness that I now battle. He could have made my life not so difficult. But the simple fact that He let those things happen speaks volumes.

My God is all-powerful. If He lets something happen, it is because He can use it for good in some way. Part of me can't fathom what good can come of what has happened in past months, but I know good will come; that He will be glorified in some way. It is in the midst of struggle that I learn to be more like Him. It is also in the midst of struggle that I forget what He said.

The words come quietly at first, and then intensify in volume and frequency as time goes on...to the point where I can hear nothing but the breaking of my heart. "God has left you here alone. He doesn't care." But those are lies. God said that He would never leave nor forsake me. And He is one person that can be taken at His word...so when it doesn't feel like He's there, I have to trust in my mind that He's there watching ever so carefully over His child as she learns through life's struggles. And in the end, He is good...He always was and always will be. He loves His children, so sometimes He allows struggles and at other times He blesses us with gifts that make our hearts rejoice...which can only mean His smile is reflected in our delight.

Genesis 35:1-3

2008-05-05T22:44:00.002-05:00

"Then God said to Jacob, 'Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.' So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, 'Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.'"

I love to read the stories about when God speaks and then you see the receiver simply obey Him. Like with Abraham, God says go and he does, uninformed of his destination. Here, God tells Jacob to go and Jacob rounds up his people and instructs them. It is a challenge to me to simply act in obedience, even when I don't know the particulars.

However, in reading this, I was struck by the last line. How different would I be if I could say this with such ease? Has not God answered me in my day of distress? Has not God been with me wherever I have gone? Sure He has. But do I really believe it?

I think I personally am in a place where I am beginning, little by precious little, to see God's hand in my past...but I have a long ways to go, and even then, I will probably never understand it fully. Regardless of if I understand it or not, I need to be able to say with confidence that God has been with me wherever I have gone and that He hears me and responds. Granted, it may not always be in the way I hope for. But if I could honestly say these things and mean them fully, my life, I think, would look drastically different. I think the fight for joy wouldn't be so intense if I could but marvel in the fact that He has never left me. I think the dark steps ahead would be lighted, not with knowledge or clarity, but with a trust that will follow even in the uncertainties of life. I think my heart would be filled to overflowing with love that spills out onto others naturally.

Lord, teach me to see You in all my circumstances
Help me to know that You have never left my side
Abba, I believe, help my unbelief!

Genesis 29:31; 30:1, 22

2008-04-22T23:13:00.005-05:00

"When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren."

"When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister."

"Then God remembered Rachel; He listened to her and opened her womb."

Back in this day, a woman's identity flowed from bearing children. From these two sisters (and their two handmaidens), we get the 12 tribes of Israel...however, when I read this story in Genesis, I can't help but be saddened by what I see.

Jacob is crazy in love with Rachel as we see he worked for 7 years to earn her from her father. Rachel's father, without thinking to let Jacob know, instead gives Rachel's older sister, Leah, to Jacob. When Jacob confronts the man, he simply says that it's not custom to give the younger daughter first. In trying to do the right thing for his daughters (though through deceitful means), Laban (their father) seemed to set them up for a life of pain.

First off, we see that Leah was not loved by Jacob. But not only do we see it, God sees it. I love this passage because it shows that God is not removed from the intimate details of our lives. He knows the way we feel and sees our hearts...and isn't afraid to step in. God, being the ultimate Father, sees that His daughter is living day in and day out with the ache of being unloved in her marriage, so He blesses her with her own children in effort to take away from the hurt. Each child's name bears witness to her belief that God was watching and listening. However, it wasn't until after her fourth child, Judah, was born that she decided she would praise the LORD. How did God feel through the first three gifts of children? Surely she was thankful, but it didn't seem to have stuck. I fall into this trap often of being discontented with circumstances in my life...but I wonder what would happen if I decided to just be thankful and praise Him regardless? I wonder what would happen if I found my true identity and joy in Him alone? How much of the heartache in life would be cut out?

The next part of this breaks my heart, perhaps because I have always longed for a sister of my own. Because of the situation involved, the sisters were not happy for each other, but rather lived in jealousy. I know firsthand how jealousy rips relationships apart as we become a slave to it. Not only did this effect the sisters, but I'm sure it weighed heavily on Jacob as well as effecting their children. We see later on that this jealousy continues through their family line when the brothers plot to kill Rachel's firstborn, but instead sell him off. Granted, God used it for good, but what an awful way to live. In Ephesians, there is a heavy emphasis on unity of the Body of Christ - jealousy is the antithesis of unity. I wonder what history would have looked like had these sisters decided to get over themselves and love one another and be happy for one another.

As we know from this story, God didn't leave Rachel barren, but allowed her to have her own children. God is not deaf to our cries for help, but neither does He always answer immediately. I wish I knew more about Rachel through this barren time in her life. We see that she got impatient and gave her handmaiden to Jacob to build a family through her. However, what was her heart's cry through this time? Was her heart hardened or softened through this? If God's kindness leads us to repentance, did Rachel have this sense of repentance?

But I cannot leave this question in the past for someone else, I have to ask it of myself. What is my heart's cry? Do I believe that God is really listening and has it under control? Will I trust Him with these details of my life? Will I live a life defined by gratitude, regardless of the situation? When He responds in the way I had hoped for, will I remember to thank Him and trust Him a little more the next time around?

Jeremiah 31:3-4

2008-04-15T23:52:00.002-05:00

"The LORD appeared to us in the past saying,
'I have loved you with an everlasting love,
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

I will build you up again,
And you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
And go out to dance with the joyful."

I think this passage is underlined in every Bible I own. God pointed me to this passage three years ago after the toughest months of my life thus far; and I have clung to it as a promise from Him.

Clearly in this passage, God is addressing His beloved nation of Israel; His chosen people. However, in reading on through the Bible, I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say that He is talking to me, or us. In the New Testament, with Jesus' death and resurrection, we, those of us who believe, find that we are His chosen people. Israel was His instrument to reach out to the Gentiles with His love, thereby uniting us into one Body. With this "technicality" out of the way, let us move on...

I marvel at the fact He doesn't end it with, "I have loved you." Instead, God goes on to say that it is with an everlasting love...everlasting - as in, it will not ever end. It doesn't matter what happens or how ugly I become (inside and out!), His love will never run dry. And indeed, He did draw me to Him with a loving-kindness that I can still recall to this day. This is what gets me, He has done all the work...He drew me in, He has loved me...forever. In an ever changing world where the question marks in life loom large, this is a gift; to know that I am loved beyond my own comprehension.

With that foundation laid, the passage becomes even more beautiful. He will build me up and I will be rebuilt. To need rebuilding means there must have been a tearing down that occurred. We all have those times in our lives...some more blatant than others. God allows these times of tearing down so that He can strip us of all the nasty stuff and rebuild us to reflect Him more.

I love that He says, "O Virgin Israel". Israel, as clearly seen in the writings of some of the other prophets, was not a virgin - she had willingly stepped over the line regarding other gods, thereby committing adultery with God. How many times have I screwed up or walked away from God, only to return to Him and find that I a covered by the blood of His Son and God sees me as being white as snow?

Then comes probably one of my very favorite images - taking up a tambourine and going out and dancing with the joyful. After a time of tearing down will come the rebuilding. The rebuilding can be just as painful as we learn to live and function differently than we did before; change is always hard. We find ourselves thinking and seeing things through a completely different lens than we once did. But He will, through this process, establish our joy once again. And our joy will be founded in Him as He hands us a tambourine and says, "Go, dance with the joyful!" And I can only imagine that He wouldn't stop walking with us at that point...He carries us through the tearing down process and stays by our side as He builds us up...surely He then goes out to dance with us.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16

2008-04-10T21:41:00.003-05:00

"Oh LORD, You have searched me and You know me,
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know it completely, oh LORD.
You hem me in - behind and before;
You have laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
Too lofty for me to attain...

...For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
Before one of them came to be..."

This night finds me reflective and a bit on the melancholy side as I take note of what is past and what is to come. My peace lies in the fact that my God knows me fully. He knows where I am right now and what I am doing. He knows every thought in my mind and understands them completely - unlike any human ever could. He knows my heart better than myself and His hand is upon my life. As I look back, I see it there so clearly, regardless of the fact that I did not see it at the time.

In my reflection I think of the things I have yet to experience in this life. There are many. And I am hopeful that each will come my way in time...but my hope is not pinned on this, as it is not promised to me by anyone. The catch is that God has written and read the whole book of my life and knows what is next...and what is down the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will have the strength for what is to come...but I have to believe that if He knows what is coming, He has also prepared me.

My heart aches at what I think I know...but He is good and I trust Him in that as well as in what actually will happen. It's already been written about - if He knows me so intimately, then He knows what is best - to Him be the glory.

Genesis 18:13-14

2008-04-07T22:26:00.003-05:00

"Then the LORD said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

The text is not kidding when it says Sarah is old. She is 90 when she has her son, Isaac. These days, we do well to make it to 90...let alone bear children at that age. But this was no problem for God, the Creator of the human body and life itself.

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" I love that rhetorical question that God asks Abraham. We all know the Sunday School answer - God is all-powerful. But the fact is, God is all-powerful. There is nothing that is too hard. What does that mean?

There is no situation He can't handle.
There is no broken heart He can't mend.
There is no question He can't answer.
There is no disease He can't heal.
There is no prayer He can't listen to.

Those are just a few that came to my mind. He can do anything, but often times, in His wisdom that is beyond our understanding, He chooses to allow certain things in our lives. Only He knows why. Therein lies the diamond in the rough: Sometimes God chooses not to respond in the way we plead with Him to. It is not because the thing we ask is too hard, it is because great power without great wisdom and knowledge is reckless. Thankfully, He takes on both power and knowledge, mixes them with the love He has for us, and acts on what is best in the long-run for His children.

He is the God who sees us...and He is all-powerful. Therefore, the questions running through my head are not too difficult for Him, even if they seem impossible to me. Praise Him for that.

Genesis 16:1-14

2008-04-06T23:14:00.002-05:00

"Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.'"

"When [Hagar] knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, ''You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me.'"

"...Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And He said, 'Hagar...'"

"[Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her, 'You are the God who sees me...'"

I never really considered the story of Hagar until last year in seminary when I was challenged to think on it in regards to Islam. Since then, the story of Hagar has become one of my very favorite in the whole Bible.

Think on it...Sarai is impatient with God and decides to take things into her own hands. (Wow, in writing that, if I only drop the 'i' on her name...how often that could be said of me!) Not to harp on her too much, she had waited for a long time for a son and was past the child-bearing years...sometimes its hard to figure out what God means when He speaks. But after taking things into her own hands and giving her "maidservant" to her husband and getting the desired results, she is upset and blames Abram for the "wrong she is suffering". Poor Abram, he just can't win. Granted, he should have stepped up and told her to wait on God, but women can be convincing.

Note here...when you look at the whole text - neither Sarai nor Abram ever call Hagar by name. She is always referred to as the maidservant. Surely it is not because they do not know her name, but it seems that they instead want to devalue her as a human and refer to her as only her position in life; a humble position indeed.

Then Sarai makes it worse and mistreats Hagar. It must have been awful because it was enough for a pregnant Hagar to run to the desert with no food nor water nor protection. But this is precisely where the story turns into one of absolute beauty.

Side note: God did not step in at any point until now. He did not stop Sarai's plan. He allowed for Hagar to conceive. He allowed the mistreatment. He allowed it all. I don't understand this. The consequences of Sarai's actions have carried through even to today. Maybe that's why He allowed it.

While in the desert, this slave woman, who is never referred to by name by her masters, is called on by God. One word and you can't hep but breath a sigh of relief and awe..."Hagar." What music that must have been to her ears. To hear one call her by name...and not just one, but the One. He saw her plight and stepped in. His words must not have been easy to hear; He told her to go back to Sarai, but just knowing that the God of the Universe - Sarai and Abram's God - knew her name and took the time to speak to her - that must have been enough to give her courage to go back. And she did go back. Proving more faithful than Sarai and Abram.

But this is the part I love. An Egyptian slave woman is the first to give a name to God. She calls Him "the God who sees"...He saw her in the desert as all hope in her life had failed and called her by name.

As I ponder my own life and the desert I feel I have walked in for so long...I am encouraged to know that I, too, serve this "God who sees". Just because He doesn't step in right away doesn't mean He doesn't see...He just knows the perfect timing.

Genesis 12:1, 4, 11-13, 17

2008-04-03T22:14:00.006-05:00

"The LORD said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.'...so Abram left, as the LORD had told him."

"As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, 'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'...But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai."

This night finds me sipping on some masala chai in the quiet of my house...only some background music on to cut the deafening silence. My mind is a flood of thoughts, so I don't fear the caffeine as much as my mind keeping me up.

As one is pushing to move forward in life (speaking in more of a mental sense than physical), the past does seem to resurrect itself. What I have not figured out is if this resurrection is a friend or foe. It seems that most times, it is a foe who tries to hinder me. However, as I look on it tonight, it seems friendly enough.

Abram (later Abraham) got it right in the beginning. God instructed and He obeyed. Abram took a huge step of faith. God didn't tell him where he was going...only to go. Any of us who are believers have had at least one of those moments in our lives. God tells us to confess with our mouth and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead and we will be saved (Romans 10:9)...so if we have done that, we have had one of those great moments of obeying God; a great step of faith.

I don't know about your life, but as I look back, I do see other moments of obedience in my life. However, alongside those (and then some!), I see intense moments where I didn't trust God...just like Abram didn't trust Him to preserve his life in Egypt (even though Abram already had a promise from God that indicates God wasn't through with him).

In my Bible, there is a comment (by the editors) that talks about how we can look at this time in Abram's life and get very discouraged by it. As I read this story, I personally am encouraged by it. God knows He's not working with perfect people (He was at the Fall)...but He practices incredible patience and step by carefully planned step, God deepens Abram's faith to what many consider the ultimate point - the willingness to sacrifice his own son.

God uses imperfect people like Abram...like me...like any other imperfect person in this world (al of us). That is encouraging to me as I even consider the last 24 hours of my life. Ah, the reality of grace...the beauty of a Saviour who loves us too much to let go.

On a side note, I love how God stepped in to protect Sarai when her husband (who should have protected her, but instead offered her up) failed to do so. And being God, He made it clear that she was His. If you want, you can read the story for yourself to find out more on that.

Ephesians 3:17-19

2008-04-01T23:43:00.003-05:00

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

This week in my classroom we are talking about flowers. Today I tried to explain on a two year old level what the importance of roots is; how they hold the plant in place and drink up the water to send to the rest of the plant. It didn't go well. But as I sit here reading this verse over and over again trying to get it to sink into my own heart, I am amazed at how God constantly takes what I am teaching and teaches me with it.

Through faith we are planted into this love of Christ. It surrounds our roots and holds us in place when the winds of adversity blow. Through this faith and love, we soak up the power (through the Holy Spirit) which is then carried to the rest of the body to enable us to live each day to the fullest as God gives.

As I dissect this verse a bit further, I notice that we are given this power so that we may grasp this love of Christ. This love is not something we can comprehend on our own, it takes the power of the Holy Spirit in us, reminding and teaching us about this love...it is that intense. He loves us with reckless abandon, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Though I believe head knowledge is important - that it must start with the simple truth in our minds that God really does love us in the ugly moments of life - this verse speaks of something far beyond what you know in your mind; an experience that is beyond mere human words. It is talking about holding on to faith in His love when everything tells you to let go. And then when you do let go and give up, finding out that He was holding on to you all along. He will never let His children go.

The amazing part of this is that God is willing to fill us to overflowing. He is the source of this love - a source that will never run dry. When He floods us with His love, others will see it. It facilitates our relationships with those around us and gives us the chance to love the unlovable in a way that will demonstrate His power and love for them.