Deuteronomy 31:6/Hebrews 13:5

"...He will never leave you nor forsake you."

Tonight I was asked to reflect on an issue that I have struggled with, but have not expressed.

For the last four-ish years, I have not felt close to God, save for a moment here or there.

Prior to these four years, I was very much a feeling person and would struggle greatly if I did not feel God's nearness to me. And I think He put up with it and took our relationship to solid ground with letting me feel that closeness much of the time. Many of my friends would look at me today and still say that I was a feeling person, mostly because I am. However, something inside of me has changed.

While living overseas, God let the world as I knew it be shattered. It felt like God opened the floodgates of heartache and struggle and I knew I couldn't make it through. But I think that's just what He was teaching me.

I couldn't make it. But He could.

Problem was, He was the One letting it all happen and that didn't fit my image of Him. I had been obedient and had gone overseas to serve Him - it wasn't fair of Him to let all hell break loose when I was so far from home and there because He asked me to be. And what made it all much worse is that I no longer felt the warmth of His hand on me. I had no idea how to function in this new realization that God didn't feel close. In my head, there was a knowledge that God was always there - that He would never leave me - but it felt hollow. I cried and slipped into depression and it got ugly for quite awhile. Then I started hearing what my close friends were saying.

Mind over matter.

It seems quaint and cliche to say it in that way, but it has impacted my thinking on such a deep level. They helped me to realize that God is not a feeling. God is truth and God is love. What the Bible tells me is that God will never leave nor forsake me. It does not say that if I can't feel Him, He has turned away from me. Mind over matter. Matter being my heart most of the time.

It sounds cold. But the hard fact is that He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when others do, He will not. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He loves me any less. He's simply teaching me to love Him even when...my heart is broken...I feel alone...I can't go on...I can't feel Him. He pulled the rug out from under me...to reveal a beautiful hard wood floor.

It has made a world of difference. He tells us simply in the Bible that if we love Him, we will follow His commands (John 14: 15, 21, 23). It isn't about following Him when I feel like it. It is about a love relationship where I choose to obey Him because He asks me to - because ultimately, He knows what is best - for me, but more importantly, for His glory.

Mind over matter. My heart says one thing, but my head knows the Truth - can I really trust what God says in His Word? Though I stumble constantly, I know I am forgiven - I live in the reality of His grace.

I don't have to feel Him to know that He is there - He tells me He is, but will I believe Him?

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Tears threatened to blind me as I frantically read every street sign, knowing that I had somehow missed the one I was looking for. The directions I had been given seemed straightforward, but nothing is so simple in this part of the country. The words, "Every little road leads to a big road eventually" played in my mind with the thought that even if a big road came along, it would not be helpful to me - I simply do not know the area well enough. Had this not been the second time in two weeks that I had gotten lost, it wouldn't have been nearly so stressful.

Before the tears won out, I cried out to Jesus, "Please, just help me - You know where I am and where I need to go - clear my mind so I can think logically." There was no blinking sign that said the name of my road and no voice from heaven saying, "Go this way." There was but a gentle peace that rested on my shoulders and worked its way into my heart, trying to massage out the frustration and exhaustion. Finally, I saw the name of my road and turned onto it. As I went further and further, I asked again for clarity of mind - and soon realized that I was going the wrong way. So I got turned around and nearly an hour after I left my friend's house, I returned home. It should have only taken 20 minutes.

But as I sit and process this event, I realize that God answered me. No one in the world knew where I was at that moment - I was completely alone. But God had His hand on me the whole time and when I called, He answered. He cleared my mind of the thoughts that hindered my logic and reminded my heart to live in His grace. In short, He covered me in His peace; and whereas I felt like I was on the edge of it - it was sufficient enough.

I was not thankful when I asked Him for help - I was frantic and frustrated. As I ponder the words in that passage, however, I see that He has made me thankful - despite my anxiety.

Lord, let my prayers to be an act of trust,
Not always a last ditch effort for sanity.
Please teach me.
And then help me to remember.
Thank You that You hear me and respond regardless.