Hebrews 13:5b

..."I will never leave you nor forsake you."

These eight simple words can make a world of difference to the sinking soul. They can speak life to the one with dying dreams. And they can speak of incredible love to the one looking back and recounting the past.

The latter is where this night finds me. I have been through ten months of floundering; feeling certain that I got off God's path and was so disoriented, couldn't find my way back onto it. The time of feeling lost brought significant pain, wounds, and disappointment. God could have easily protected me from the hurtful words of others. He could have easily shielded my heart from the struggle with forgiveness that I now battle. He could have made my life not so difficult. But the simple fact that He let those things happen speaks volumes.

My God is all-powerful. If He lets something happen, it is because He can use it for good in some way. Part of me can't fathom what good can come of what has happened in past months, but I know good will come; that He will be glorified in some way. It is in the midst of struggle that I learn to be more like Him. It is also in the midst of struggle that I forget what He said.

The words come quietly at first, and then intensify in volume and frequency as time goes on...to the point where I can hear nothing but the breaking of my heart. "God has left you here alone. He doesn't care." But those are lies. God said that He would never leave nor forsake me. And He is one person that can be taken at His word...so when it doesn't feel like He's there, I have to trust in my mind that He's there watching ever so carefully over His child as she learns through life's struggles. And in the end, He is good...He always was and always will be. He loves His children, so sometimes He allows struggles and at other times He blesses us with gifts that make our hearts rejoice...which can only mean His smile is reflected in our delight.

Genesis 35:1-3

"Then God said to Jacob, 'Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.' So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, 'Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.'"

I love to read the stories about when God speaks and then you see the receiver simply obey Him. Like with Abraham, God says go and he does, uninformed of his destination. Here, God tells Jacob to go and Jacob rounds up his people and instructs them. It is a challenge to me to simply act in obedience, even when I don't know the particulars.

However, in reading this, I was struck by the last line. How different would I be if I could say this with such ease? Has not God answered me in my day of distress? Has not God been with me wherever I have gone? Sure He has. But do I really believe it?

I think I personally am in a place where I am beginning, little by precious little, to see God's hand in my past...but I have a long ways to go, and even then, I will probably never understand it fully. Regardless of if I understand it or not, I need to be able to say with confidence that God has been with me wherever I have gone and that He hears me and responds. Granted, it may not always be in the way I hope for. But if I could honestly say these things and mean them fully, my life, I think, would look drastically different. I think the fight for joy wouldn't be so intense if I could but marvel in the fact that He has never left me. I think the dark steps ahead would be lighted, not with knowledge or clarity, but with a trust that will follow even in the uncertainties of life. I think my heart would be filled to overflowing with love that spills out onto others naturally.

Lord, teach me to see You in all my circumstances
Help me to know that You have never left my side
Abba, I believe, help my unbelief!