Genesis 29:31; 30:1, 22

"When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren."

"When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister."

"Then God remembered Rachel; He listened to her and opened her womb."

Back in this day, a woman's identity flowed from bearing children. From these two sisters (and their two handmaidens), we get the 12 tribes of Israel...however, when I read this story in Genesis, I can't help but be saddened by what I see.

Jacob is crazy in love with Rachel as we see he worked for 7 years to earn her from her father. Rachel's father, without thinking to let Jacob know, instead gives Rachel's older sister, Leah, to Jacob. When Jacob confronts the man, he simply says that it's not custom to give the younger daughter first. In trying to do the right thing for his daughters (though through deceitful means), Laban (their father) seemed to set them up for a life of pain.

First off, we see that Leah was not loved by Jacob. But not only do we see it, God sees it. I love this passage because it shows that God is not removed from the intimate details of our lives. He knows the way we feel and sees our hearts...and isn't afraid to step in. God, being the ultimate Father, sees that His daughter is living day in and day out with the ache of being unloved in her marriage, so He blesses her with her own children in effort to take away from the hurt. Each child's name bears witness to her belief that God was watching and listening. However, it wasn't until after her fourth child, Judah, was born that she decided she would praise the LORD. How did God feel through the first three gifts of children? Surely she was thankful, but it didn't seem to have stuck. I fall into this trap often of being discontented with circumstances in my life...but I wonder what would happen if I decided to just be thankful and praise Him regardless? I wonder what would happen if I found my true identity and joy in Him alone? How much of the heartache in life would be cut out?

The next part of this breaks my heart, perhaps because I have always longed for a sister of my own. Because of the situation involved, the sisters were not happy for each other, but rather lived in jealousy. I know firsthand how jealousy rips relationships apart as we become a slave to it. Not only did this effect the sisters, but I'm sure it weighed heavily on Jacob as well as effecting their children. We see later on that this jealousy continues through their family line when the brothers plot to kill Rachel's firstborn, but instead sell him off. Granted, God used it for good, but what an awful way to live. In Ephesians, there is a heavy emphasis on unity of the Body of Christ - jealousy is the antithesis of unity. I wonder what history would have looked like had these sisters decided to get over themselves and love one another and be happy for one another.

As we know from this story, God didn't leave Rachel barren, but allowed her to have her own children. God is not deaf to our cries for help, but neither does He always answer immediately. I wish I knew more about Rachel through this barren time in her life. We see that she got impatient and gave her handmaiden to Jacob to build a family through her. However, what was her heart's cry through this time? Was her heart hardened or softened through this? If God's kindness leads us to repentance, did Rachel have this sense of repentance?

But I cannot leave this question in the past for someone else, I have to ask it of myself. What is my heart's cry? Do I believe that God is really listening and has it under control? Will I trust Him with these details of my life? Will I live a life defined by gratitude, regardless of the situation? When He responds in the way I had hoped for, will I remember to thank Him and trust Him a little more the next time around?

Jeremiah 31:3-4

"The LORD appeared to us in the past saying,
'I have loved you with an everlasting love,
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

I will build you up again,
And you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
And go out to dance with the joyful."

I think this passage is underlined in every Bible I own. God pointed me to this passage three years ago after the toughest months of my life thus far; and I have clung to it as a promise from Him.

Clearly in this passage, God is addressing His beloved nation of Israel; His chosen people. However, in reading on through the Bible, I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say that He is talking to me, or us. In the New Testament, with Jesus' death and resurrection, we, those of us who believe, find that we are His chosen people. Israel was His instrument to reach out to the Gentiles with His love, thereby uniting us into one Body. With this "technicality" out of the way, let us move on...

I marvel at the fact He doesn't end it with, "I have loved you." Instead, God goes on to say that it is with an everlasting love...everlasting - as in, it will not ever end. It doesn't matter what happens or how ugly I become (inside and out!), His love will never run dry. And indeed, He did draw me to Him with a loving-kindness that I can still recall to this day. This is what gets me, He has done all the work...He drew me in, He has loved me...forever. In an ever changing world where the question marks in life loom large, this is a gift; to know that I am loved beyond my own comprehension.

With that foundation laid, the passage becomes even more beautiful. He will build me up and I will be rebuilt. To need rebuilding means there must have been a tearing down that occurred. We all have those times in our lives...some more blatant than others. God allows these times of tearing down so that He can strip us of all the nasty stuff and rebuild us to reflect Him more.

I love that He says, "O Virgin Israel". Israel, as clearly seen in the writings of some of the other prophets, was not a virgin - she had willingly stepped over the line regarding other gods, thereby committing adultery with God. How many times have I screwed up or walked away from God, only to return to Him and find that I a covered by the blood of His Son and God sees me as being white as snow?

Then comes probably one of my very favorite images - taking up a tambourine and going out and dancing with the joyful. After a time of tearing down will come the rebuilding. The rebuilding can be just as painful as we learn to live and function differently than we did before; change is always hard. We find ourselves thinking and seeing things through a completely different lens than we once did. But He will, through this process, establish our joy once again. And our joy will be founded in Him as He hands us a tambourine and says, "Go, dance with the joyful!" And I can only imagine that He wouldn't stop walking with us at that point...He carries us through the tearing down process and stays by our side as He builds us up...surely He then goes out to dance with us.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16

"Oh LORD, You have searched me and You know me,
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know it completely, oh LORD.
You hem me in - behind and before;
You have laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
Too lofty for me to attain...

...For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
Before one of them came to be..."

This night finds me reflective and a bit on the melancholy side as I take note of what is past and what is to come. My peace lies in the fact that my God knows me fully. He knows where I am right now and what I am doing. He knows every thought in my mind and understands them completely - unlike any human ever could. He knows my heart better than myself and His hand is upon my life. As I look back, I see it there so clearly, regardless of the fact that I did not see it at the time.

In my reflection I think of the things I have yet to experience in this life. There are many. And I am hopeful that each will come my way in time...but my hope is not pinned on this, as it is not promised to me by anyone. The catch is that God has written and read the whole book of my life and knows what is next...and what is down the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will have the strength for what is to come...but I have to believe that if He knows what is coming, He has also prepared me.

My heart aches at what I think I know...but He is good and I trust Him in that as well as in what actually will happen. It's already been written about - if He knows me so intimately, then He knows what is best - to Him be the glory.

Genesis 18:13-14

"Then the LORD said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

The text is not kidding when it says Sarah is old. She is 90 when she has her son, Isaac. These days, we do well to make it to 90...let alone bear children at that age. But this was no problem for God, the Creator of the human body and life itself.

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" I love that rhetorical question that God asks Abraham. We all know the Sunday School answer - God is all-powerful. But the fact is, God is all-powerful. There is nothing that is too hard. What does that mean?

• There is no situation He can't handle.
• There is no broken heart He can't mend.
• There is no question He can't answer.
• There is no disease He can't heal.
• There is no prayer He can't listen to.

Those are just a few that came to my mind. He can do anything, but often times, in His wisdom that is beyond our understanding, He chooses to allow certain things in our lives. Only He knows why. Therein lies the diamond in the rough: Sometimes God chooses not to respond in the way we plead with Him to. It is not because the thing we ask is too hard, it is because great power without great wisdom and knowledge is reckless. Thankfully, He takes on both power and knowledge, mixes them with the love He has for us, and acts on what is best in the long-run for His children.

He is the God who sees us...and He is all-powerful. Therefore, the questions running through my head are not too difficult for Him, even if they seem impossible to me. Praise Him for that.

Genesis 16:1-14

"Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.'"

"When [Hagar] knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, ''You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me.'"

"...Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And He said, 'Hagar...'"

"[Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her, 'You are the God who sees me...'"

I never really considered the story of Hagar until last year in seminary when I was challenged to think on it in regards to Islam. Since then, the story of Hagar has become one of my very favorite in the whole Bible.

Think on it...Sarai is impatient with God and decides to take things into her own hands. (Wow, in writing that, if I only drop the 'i' on her name...how often that could be said of me!) Not to harp on her too much, she had waited for a long time for a son and was past the child-bearing years...sometimes its hard to figure out what God means when He speaks. But after taking things into her own hands and giving her "maidservant" to her husband and getting the desired results, she is upset and blames Abram for the "wrong she is suffering". Poor Abram, he just can't win. Granted, he should have stepped up and told her to wait on God, but women can be convincing.

Note here...when you look at the whole text - neither Sarai nor Abram ever call Hagar by name. She is always referred to as the maidservant. Surely it is not because they do not know her name, but it seems that they instead want to devalue her as a human and refer to her as only her position in life; a humble position indeed.

Then Sarai makes it worse and mistreats Hagar. It must have been awful because it was enough for a pregnant Hagar to run to the desert with no food nor water nor protection. But this is precisely where the story turns into one of absolute beauty.

Side note: God did not step in at any point until now. He did not stop Sarai's plan. He allowed for Hagar to conceive. He allowed the mistreatment. He allowed it all. I don't understand this. The consequences of Sarai's actions have carried through even to today. Maybe that's why He allowed it.

While in the desert, this slave woman, who is never referred to by name by her masters, is called on by God. One word and you can't hep but breath a sigh of relief and awe..."Hagar." What music that must have been to her ears. To hear one call her by name...and not just one, but the One. He saw her plight and stepped in. His words must not have been easy to hear; He told her to go back to Sarai, but just knowing that the God of the Universe - Sarai and Abram's God - knew her name and took the time to speak to her - that must have been enough to give her courage to go back. And she did go back. Proving more faithful than Sarai and Abram.

But this is the part I love. An Egyptian slave woman is the first to give a name to God. She calls Him "the God who sees"...He saw her in the desert as all hope in her life had failed and called her by name.

As I ponder my own life and the desert I feel I have walked in for so long...I am encouraged to know that I, too, serve this "God who sees". Just because He doesn't step in right away doesn't mean He doesn't see...He just knows the perfect timing.

Genesis 12:1, 4, 11-13, 17

"The LORD said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.'...so Abram left, as the LORD had told him."

"As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, 'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'...But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai."

This night finds me sipping on some masala chai in the quiet of my house...only some background music on to cut the deafening silence. My mind is a flood of thoughts, so I don't fear the caffeine as much as my mind keeping me up.

As one is pushing to move forward in life (speaking in more of a mental sense than physical), the past does seem to resurrect itself. What I have not figured out is if this resurrection is a friend or foe. It seems that most times, it is a foe who tries to hinder me. However, as I look on it tonight, it seems friendly enough.

Abram (later Abraham) got it right in the beginning. God instructed and He obeyed. Abram took a huge step of faith. God didn't tell him where he was going...only to go. Any of us who are believers have had at least one of those moments in our lives. God tells us to confess with our mouth and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead and we will be saved (Romans 10:9)...so if we have done that, we have had one of those great moments of obeying God; a great step of faith.

I don't know about your life, but as I look back, I do see other moments of obedience in my life. However, alongside those (and then some!), I see intense moments where I didn't trust God...just like Abram didn't trust Him to preserve his life in Egypt (even though Abram already had a promise from God that indicates God wasn't through with him).

In my Bible, there is a comment (by the editors) that talks about how we can look at this time in Abram's life and get very discouraged by it. As I read this story, I personally am encouraged by it. God knows He's not working with perfect people (He was at the Fall)...but He practices incredible patience and step by carefully planned step, God deepens Abram's faith to what many consider the ultimate point - the willingness to sacrifice his own son.

God uses imperfect people like Abram...like me...like any other imperfect person in this world (al of us). That is encouraging to me as I even consider the last 24 hours of my life. Ah, the reality of grace...the beauty of a Saviour who loves us too much to let go.

On a side note, I love how God stepped in to protect Sarai when her husband (who should have protected her, but instead offered her up) failed to do so. And being God, He made it clear that she was His. If you want, you can read the story for yourself to find out more on that.

Ephesians 3:17-19

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

This week in my classroom we are talking about flowers. Today I tried to explain on a two year old level what the importance of roots is; how they hold the plant in place and drink up the water to send to the rest of the plant. It didn't go well. But as I sit here reading this verse over and over again trying to get it to sink into my own heart, I am amazed at how God constantly takes what I am teaching and teaches me with it.

Through faith we are planted into this love of Christ. It surrounds our roots and holds us in place when the winds of adversity blow. Through this faith and love, we soak up the power (through the Holy Spirit) which is then carried to the rest of the body to enable us to live each day to the fullest as God gives.

As I dissect this verse a bit further, I notice that we are given this power so that we may grasp this love of Christ. This love is not something we can comprehend on our own, it takes the power of the Holy Spirit in us, reminding and teaching us about this love...it is that intense. He loves us with reckless abandon, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Though I believe head knowledge is important - that it must start with the simple truth in our minds that God really does love us in the ugly moments of life - this verse speaks of something far beyond what you know in your mind; an experience that is beyond mere human words. It is talking about holding on to faith in His love when everything tells you to let go. And then when you do let go and give up, finding out that He was holding on to you all along. He will never let His children go.

The amazing part of this is that God is willing to fill us to overflowing. He is the source of this love - a source that will never run dry. When He floods us with His love, others will see it. It facilitates our relationships with those around us and gives us the chance to love the unlovable in a way that will demonstrate His power and love for them.