Proverbs 16:9

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."

This verse has been meandering in my mind lately. It has randomly come up in various emails and from the mouths of those around me. I think God is trying to get my attention.

I have plans. The problem is, I'm not sure how they all work out. Here's what I mean:

I want to be a writer. I want to live in Boone, NC. I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Colorado. I want to be a nurse. I want to be a missionary. I want to live in Africa. I want to learn French. I want to learn Swahili. I want to go back to school to become a literacy specialist. I want to be a wife and mom. I want to have many more adventures.

Living here in PA was never in my plans. In fact, if memory serves, I really tried to avoid the Northeast. But God, with His sense of humor, brought me here for His purposes. I had a plan/dream to get into mobilization, but He determined the steps - living at home for a year and then moving here. Looking back, I see some reasons for the way things happened. I don't know that I will ever understand them all. And that's ok, I don't need to.

I've been thinking long and hard about going back to school for a year to become a literacy specialist - to train people to read in their language so they can read Jesus' words in their mother-tongue. And in the last three weeks that I have pondered on it, it seems that I have gotten great amounts of encouragement toward it...but tremendous doubts have also assailed me. One big one being that if I do this, I will be better off being single so as not to drag my family all around with me. Then comes the realization of how petty that is - I'm worried about getting married and having a family when there are people dying apart from Jesus every day. Where are my priorities?

I have a course planned for my life. Thankfully, my plans are always set in Jello. God is going to determine the steps for me; it isn't something I need to fret about. I know it will most likely not consist of a large blinking sign saying "This way!", though that would be great. I'm not sure what His leading will look like - but I know that a heart committed to Him will reflect His plans - so that's my game plan.

I just wish I could remember that every single moment of every single day.

When will I be able to fully trust You?
My dreams seem impossible.
Yet to You, nothing is impossible.
You know my heart.
It is all I have to offer.
Be gentle, please.
I can't take much more.