Deuteronomy 31:6/Hebrews 13:5

"...He will never leave you nor forsake you."

Tonight I was asked to reflect on an issue that I have struggled with, but have not expressed.

For the last four-ish years, I have not felt close to God, save for a moment here or there.

Prior to these four years, I was very much a feeling person and would struggle greatly if I did not feel God's nearness to me. And I think He put up with it and took our relationship to solid ground with letting me feel that closeness much of the time. Many of my friends would look at me today and still say that I was a feeling person, mostly because I am. However, something inside of me has changed.

While living overseas, God let the world as I knew it be shattered. It felt like God opened the floodgates of heartache and struggle and I knew I couldn't make it through. But I think that's just what He was teaching me.

I couldn't make it. But He could.

Problem was, He was the One letting it all happen and that didn't fit my image of Him. I had been obedient and had gone overseas to serve Him - it wasn't fair of Him to let all hell break loose when I was so far from home and there because He asked me to be. And what made it all much worse is that I no longer felt the warmth of His hand on me. I had no idea how to function in this new realization that God didn't feel close. In my head, there was a knowledge that God was always there - that He would never leave me - but it felt hollow. I cried and slipped into depression and it got ugly for quite awhile. Then I started hearing what my close friends were saying.

Mind over matter.

It seems quaint and cliche to say it in that way, but it has impacted my thinking on such a deep level. They helped me to realize that God is not a feeling. God is truth and God is love. What the Bible tells me is that God will never leave nor forsake me. It does not say that if I can't feel Him, He has turned away from me. Mind over matter. Matter being my heart most of the time.

It sounds cold. But the hard fact is that He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when others do, He will not. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He loves me any less. He's simply teaching me to love Him even when...my heart is broken...I feel alone...I can't go on...I can't feel Him. He pulled the rug out from under me...to reveal a beautiful hard wood floor.

It has made a world of difference. He tells us simply in the Bible that if we love Him, we will follow His commands (John 14: 15, 21, 23). It isn't about following Him when I feel like it. It is about a love relationship where I choose to obey Him because He asks me to - because ultimately, He knows what is best - for me, but more importantly, for His glory.

Mind over matter. My heart says one thing, but my head knows the Truth - can I really trust what God says in His Word? Though I stumble constantly, I know I am forgiven - I live in the reality of His grace.

I don't have to feel Him to know that He is there - He tells me He is, but will I believe Him?