So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
It seems pretty straight forward.
Right
Wrong
God designed me with a strong sense of both of those. However, I also naturally lean toward rebelliousness. So when I screw up, I can't look at God and claim, "I didn't know what I was doing." He and I both know better. There have been times in my life when I have metaphorically looked God in the eye, face brazen like a stubborn child, and told Him I was choosing something other than Him.
And in my mind's eye, I see His face and my heart is broken at the way my words and actions hurt Him. Maybe that's why it is so easy to do sometimes - I can't see His face other than in my mind, and I can choose to block that image out. But I can feel His heart. And though I know I am stepping into the wrong thing, His heart beats in my chest and thankfully, He wins out eventually. He doesn't let go of this ridiculously stubborn child.
He seems to let me go so far down a path and then reminds me with His loving-kindness that I am His. Sometimes it's as simple as His whisper carried on spring breezes that kiss my face. Other times, it comes from the lips of a friend who believes in me more than I would ever dare. And I then find myself in a place of brokenness that feels far deeper than the stony theological term "sin".
And I am again faced with the fact that my reality is His grace.
And His grace is a whole other can of worms. There are days when I wonder how He could ever love someone like me. I wonder why He chose me when He knew I would rebel like this. But isn't that just what grace is? Isn't that His loving-kindness in action? Doesn't that draw me in to love Him more?
Right
Wrong
When I stop being selfish and rebellious, the choice is a no-brainer. Even if doing the right thing hurts in the present, isn't it better than dealing with the natural consequences of sin and the pain of knowing I have grieved the One who gave everything to save me?
5.24.2009
11.08.2008
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
There is nothing neat and tidy about life. At least, not mine. In fact, it rather looks like a big ball of yarn that a cat got a hold of. At one point, it seemed to wrapped tightly in a neat little package. But then came along the cat and ever since, its been a mess that seems to follow no logical path and leaves my hopes and dreams scattered like victims on the highway.
It truly does make the heart sick when hope is deferred. In fact, earlier this week I seriously wondered if it was possible for a human heart to simply burst. Seems to me that would be far more managable than dealing with the pain of hope deferred. To be told once again, "Wait," is the last thing on earth I want to hear - especially when the words, "Ok, now it is time," may never actually come.
I've had a few longings fulfilled along the way...just enough to keep me going. And it is a breath of fresh air after sitting in a smokey room.
However, right now, I'm learning to deal with the brokenness of this life. I can't spiritualize it, it just really stinks sometimes. A lot of times, if I'm gut level honest. Things don't turn out the way we hope or plan. Plan A fails. Then plan B fails. We have a long alphabet, so you get the idea. I know in my head that God knows what He is doing, but when hope is continually deferred, one starts to lose the hope of a longing fulfilled. And that is a murderous heartache.
Is God still good? I can't answer that right now. I know the "Jesus answer", but in the rawness of pain, the "Jesus answer" just doesn't cut it. It is a bloody mess of a struggle.
Life is messy. Heartache is inevitable. So I guess the darker the night, the brighter the stars. Or something like that.
There is nothing neat and tidy about life. At least, not mine. In fact, it rather looks like a big ball of yarn that a cat got a hold of. At one point, it seemed to wrapped tightly in a neat little package. But then came along the cat and ever since, its been a mess that seems to follow no logical path and leaves my hopes and dreams scattered like victims on the highway.
It truly does make the heart sick when hope is deferred. In fact, earlier this week I seriously wondered if it was possible for a human heart to simply burst. Seems to me that would be far more managable than dealing with the pain of hope deferred. To be told once again, "Wait," is the last thing on earth I want to hear - especially when the words, "Ok, now it is time," may never actually come.
I've had a few longings fulfilled along the way...just enough to keep me going. And it is a breath of fresh air after sitting in a smokey room.
However, right now, I'm learning to deal with the brokenness of this life. I can't spiritualize it, it just really stinks sometimes. A lot of times, if I'm gut level honest. Things don't turn out the way we hope or plan. Plan A fails. Then plan B fails. We have a long alphabet, so you get the idea. I know in my head that God knows what He is doing, but when hope is continually deferred, one starts to lose the hope of a longing fulfilled. And that is a murderous heartache.
Is God still good? I can't answer that right now. I know the "Jesus answer", but in the rawness of pain, the "Jesus answer" just doesn't cut it. It is a bloody mess of a struggle.
Life is messy. Heartache is inevitable. So I guess the darker the night, the brighter the stars. Or something like that.
9.29.2008
John 11:32
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
The story about the death of Lazarus found in John 11 is my favorite story in the whole Bible right now. There is a genuineness found in this story that I don't find in other parts of the Bible - or maybe it is just one that resonates more deeply with me. I see this as a story about hope.
Mary and Martha knew that Jesus could have stopped the death of their beloved brother, Lazarus. But I enjoy the way they both approach the situation when Jesus does finally show up on the scene...four days too late. Martha hears that Jesus is in the neighborhood and runs out to meet and confront Him in her brokenness. Some people accuse Martha of lacking faith - I mean, she was the busy one. Really though, I think she's just a typical older sister. Her words tell of her faith.
"Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give You whatever You ask."
The fact that our beloved Mary repeats the first part of this word for word tells me that they had been seriously processing the fact that Jesus didn't come through for them. They sat in that dark room crying to one another, not understanding but longing to. They know who He is as evidenced by verse twenty seven, and their faith has been turned on its head because their Christ fell short of their expectations.
Jesus answers her gently and then at some point asks for Mary.
Mary has an entirely different response. One of complete brokenness and confusion and hurt that makes you want to rip your insides out.
She fell at His feet.
Consider that posture. It speaks volumes. In most cases it would be a sign of submission - as it is here as well. But it also a posture of someone deeply aching with the hurt they have experienced. Her pain was double - her brother was now four days in the tomb and her Jesus wasn't there when she needed Him most. In the following verse, we find her weeping. I wonder if she only said those twelve words because that's all she could utter between the sound of her breaking heart and the disappointment in the One she had given her everything to.
Mary was a tender heart, to be sure. But her realness and submission even in the midst of her confusion and mourning even gets Jesus. He sees her - and her friends who were also with her weeping - and He is deeply troubled. The God of the universe was impacted by this beloved woman who was hurting. He took that pain upon Himself and He wept...then went to work.
Something in that story really resonates with me. Jesus allowed the unthinkable to happen in Mary and Martha's life. And the worst part was that He never bothered to show up. But I have a sneaking suspicion that He was never really far from them. He needed it to happen, not just for them, but for the entire world to see the way He would bring glory to the Father through the situation. He knew their threshold all along. He met them toe to toe at just the right point in the story. All hope was gone, but then He came through. Isn't that just what He does?
Lord, please come through in my life
Please help me to hold on to the story you are weaving
When all hope is gone, bring this to mind
And let me remember that You love even when it doesn't feel like it
So that I can step out boldly in the faith You have given me
The story about the death of Lazarus found in John 11 is my favorite story in the whole Bible right now. There is a genuineness found in this story that I don't find in other parts of the Bible - or maybe it is just one that resonates more deeply with me. I see this as a story about hope.
Mary and Martha knew that Jesus could have stopped the death of their beloved brother, Lazarus. But I enjoy the way they both approach the situation when Jesus does finally show up on the scene...four days too late. Martha hears that Jesus is in the neighborhood and runs out to meet and confront Him in her brokenness. Some people accuse Martha of lacking faith - I mean, she was the busy one. Really though, I think she's just a typical older sister. Her words tell of her faith.
"Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give You whatever You ask."
The fact that our beloved Mary repeats the first part of this word for word tells me that they had been seriously processing the fact that Jesus didn't come through for them. They sat in that dark room crying to one another, not understanding but longing to. They know who He is as evidenced by verse twenty seven, and their faith has been turned on its head because their Christ fell short of their expectations.
Jesus answers her gently and then at some point asks for Mary.
Mary has an entirely different response. One of complete brokenness and confusion and hurt that makes you want to rip your insides out.
She fell at His feet.
Consider that posture. It speaks volumes. In most cases it would be a sign of submission - as it is here as well. But it also a posture of someone deeply aching with the hurt they have experienced. Her pain was double - her brother was now four days in the tomb and her Jesus wasn't there when she needed Him most. In the following verse, we find her weeping. I wonder if she only said those twelve words because that's all she could utter between the sound of her breaking heart and the disappointment in the One she had given her everything to.
Mary was a tender heart, to be sure. But her realness and submission even in the midst of her confusion and mourning even gets Jesus. He sees her - and her friends who were also with her weeping - and He is deeply troubled. The God of the universe was impacted by this beloved woman who was hurting. He took that pain upon Himself and He wept...then went to work.
Something in that story really resonates with me. Jesus allowed the unthinkable to happen in Mary and Martha's life. And the worst part was that He never bothered to show up. But I have a sneaking suspicion that He was never really far from them. He needed it to happen, not just for them, but for the entire world to see the way He would bring glory to the Father through the situation. He knew their threshold all along. He met them toe to toe at just the right point in the story. All hope was gone, but then He came through. Isn't that just what He does?
Lord, please come through in my life
Please help me to hold on to the story you are weaving
When all hope is gone, bring this to mind
And let me remember that You love even when it doesn't feel like it
So that I can step out boldly in the faith You have given me
9.27.2008
Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."
This verse has been meandering in my mind lately. It has randomly come up in various emails and from the mouths of those around me. I think God is trying to get my attention.
I have plans. The problem is, I'm not sure how they all work out. Here's what I mean:
I want to be a writer. I want to live in Boone, NC. I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Colorado. I want to be a nurse. I want to be a missionary. I want to live in Africa. I want to learn French. I want to learn Swahili. I want to go back to school to become a literacy specialist. I want to be a wife and mom. I want to have many more adventures.
Living here in PA was never in my plans. In fact, if memory serves, I really tried to avoid the Northeast. But God, with His sense of humor, brought me here for His purposes. I had a plan/dream to get into mobilization, but He determined the steps - living at home for a year and then moving here. Looking back, I see some reasons for the way things happened. I don't know that I will ever understand them all. And that's ok, I don't need to.
I've been thinking long and hard about going back to school for a year to become a literacy specialist - to train people to read in their language so they can read Jesus' words in their mother-tongue. And in the last three weeks that I have pondered on it, it seems that I have gotten great amounts of encouragement toward it...but tremendous doubts have also assailed me. One big one being that if I do this, I will be better off being single so as not to drag my family all around with me. Then comes the realization of how petty that is - I'm worried about getting married and having a family when there are people dying apart from Jesus every day. Where are my priorities?
I have a course planned for my life. Thankfully, my plans are always set in Jello. God is going to determine the steps for me; it isn't something I need to fret about. I know it will most likely not consist of a large blinking sign saying "This way!", though that would be great. I'm not sure what His leading will look like - but I know that a heart committed to Him will reflect His plans - so that's my game plan.
I just wish I could remember that every single moment of every single day.
When will I be able to fully trust You?
My dreams seem impossible.
Yet to You, nothing is impossible.
You know my heart.
It is all I have to offer.
Be gentle, please.
I can't take much more.
but the LORD determines his steps."
This verse has been meandering in my mind lately. It has randomly come up in various emails and from the mouths of those around me. I think God is trying to get my attention.
I have plans. The problem is, I'm not sure how they all work out. Here's what I mean:
I want to be a writer. I want to live in Boone, NC. I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Colorado. I want to be a nurse. I want to be a missionary. I want to live in Africa. I want to learn French. I want to learn Swahili. I want to go back to school to become a literacy specialist. I want to be a wife and mom. I want to have many more adventures.
Living here in PA was never in my plans. In fact, if memory serves, I really tried to avoid the Northeast. But God, with His sense of humor, brought me here for His purposes. I had a plan/dream to get into mobilization, but He determined the steps - living at home for a year and then moving here. Looking back, I see some reasons for the way things happened. I don't know that I will ever understand them all. And that's ok, I don't need to.
I've been thinking long and hard about going back to school for a year to become a literacy specialist - to train people to read in their language so they can read Jesus' words in their mother-tongue. And in the last three weeks that I have pondered on it, it seems that I have gotten great amounts of encouragement toward it...but tremendous doubts have also assailed me. One big one being that if I do this, I will be better off being single so as not to drag my family all around with me. Then comes the realization of how petty that is - I'm worried about getting married and having a family when there are people dying apart from Jesus every day. Where are my priorities?
I have a course planned for my life. Thankfully, my plans are always set in Jello. God is going to determine the steps for me; it isn't something I need to fret about. I know it will most likely not consist of a large blinking sign saying "This way!", though that would be great. I'm not sure what His leading will look like - but I know that a heart committed to Him will reflect His plans - so that's my game plan.
I just wish I could remember that every single moment of every single day.
When will I be able to fully trust You?
My dreams seem impossible.
Yet to You, nothing is impossible.
You know my heart.
It is all I have to offer.
Be gentle, please.
I can't take much more.
9.12.2008
John 11:33-35
"When Jesus saw [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" He asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept.
Often quoted for being the shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35 gives me hope this week.
On the plane ride from the Carolina's back to PA, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I have become somewhat of a modern-day nomad in the last six years of my life. I feel as though I am not at home anywhere, yet I feel at home everywhere. It is a paradox that I am still working out - but I don't see it changing anytime in the near future. I suspect I will keep moving around for the years to come.
Coming back to PA after a trip out West (and to SC) has proven to be just about all I can handle. Tears have threatened my eyes too many times to count in the past week.
Perhaps it is because I realized just how tough the last two months have been by being away. Perhaps it was because I connected so well with others out West and have struggled to do that here to the same level. Perhaps it is because I felt like I was coming "home" to a strange place after feeling so at home all week, but knowing that this is supposed to be home. Perhaps it is because there is no true escape for me here - no place of complete peace. Perhaps it is because disappointment still hits me hard, even when I try to ignore it. Perhaps it is because everything in my life keeps transitioning, nothing seems to be stable. Perhaps it is because I'm a fragile person who can only take so much of this life before my heart overflows with all the losses.
Regardless of what it is that has caused this stream of tears in my heart, I take comfort in the fact that my very Saviour shed His own tears at the difficulties endured in this life. He was no stranger to this road of transition and loss. It was all around Him. And yet, shedding tears was not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of humanity. That is a Saviour that I can identify with.
It has taken me a long time and many counseling sessions to realize that it is ok to cry. I try not to, but then I realize that it is a gift that God gave us. The human heart needs a form of release. It can be a sign of brokenness and pain, but it is not a sign of a faltering faith.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept.
Often quoted for being the shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35 gives me hope this week.
On the plane ride from the Carolina's back to PA, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I have become somewhat of a modern-day nomad in the last six years of my life. I feel as though I am not at home anywhere, yet I feel at home everywhere. It is a paradox that I am still working out - but I don't see it changing anytime in the near future. I suspect I will keep moving around for the years to come.
Coming back to PA after a trip out West (and to SC) has proven to be just about all I can handle. Tears have threatened my eyes too many times to count in the past week.
Perhaps it is because I realized just how tough the last two months have been by being away. Perhaps it was because I connected so well with others out West and have struggled to do that here to the same level. Perhaps it is because I felt like I was coming "home" to a strange place after feeling so at home all week, but knowing that this is supposed to be home. Perhaps it is because there is no true escape for me here - no place of complete peace. Perhaps it is because disappointment still hits me hard, even when I try to ignore it. Perhaps it is because everything in my life keeps transitioning, nothing seems to be stable. Perhaps it is because I'm a fragile person who can only take so much of this life before my heart overflows with all the losses.
Regardless of what it is that has caused this stream of tears in my heart, I take comfort in the fact that my very Saviour shed His own tears at the difficulties endured in this life. He was no stranger to this road of transition and loss. It was all around Him. And yet, shedding tears was not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of humanity. That is a Saviour that I can identify with.
It has taken me a long time and many counseling sessions to realize that it is ok to cry. I try not to, but then I realize that it is a gift that God gave us. The human heart needs a form of release. It can be a sign of brokenness and pain, but it is not a sign of a faltering faith.
8.14.2008
Deuteronomy 31:6/Hebrews 13:5
"...He will never leave you nor forsake you."
Tonight I was asked to reflect on an issue that I have struggled with, but have not expressed.
For the last four-ish years, I have not felt close to God, save for a moment here or there.
Prior to these four years, I was very much a feeling person and would struggle greatly if I did not feel God's nearness to me. And I think He put up with it and took our relationship to solid ground with letting me feel that closeness much of the time. Many of my friends would look at me today and still say that I was a feeling person, mostly because I am. However, something inside of me has changed.
While living overseas, God let the world as I knew it be shattered. It felt like God opened the floodgates of heartache and struggle and I knew I couldn't make it through. But I think that's just what He was teaching me.
I couldn't make it. But He could.
Problem was, He was the One letting it all happen and that didn't fit my image of Him. I had been obedient and had gone overseas to serve Him - it wasn't fair of Him to let all hell break loose when I was so far from home and there because He asked me to be. And what made it all much worse is that I no longer felt the warmth of His hand on me. I had no idea how to function in this new realization that God didn't feel close. In my head, there was a knowledge that God was always there - that He would never leave me - but it felt hollow. I cried and slipped into depression and it got ugly for quite awhile. Then I started hearing what my close friends were saying.
Mind over matter.
It seems quaint and cliche to say it in that way, but it has impacted my thinking on such a deep level. They helped me to realize that God is not a feeling. God is truth and God is love. What the Bible tells me is that God will never leave nor forsake me. It does not say that if I can't feel Him, He has turned away from me. Mind over matter. Matter being my heart most of the time.
It sounds cold. But the hard fact is that He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when others do, He will not. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He loves me any less. He's simply teaching me to love Him even when...my heart is broken...I feel alone...I can't go on...I can't feel Him. He pulled the rug out from under me...to reveal a beautiful hard wood floor.
It has made a world of difference. He tells us simply in the Bible that if we love Him, we will follow His commands (John 14: 15, 21, 23). It isn't about following Him when I feel like it. It is about a love relationship where I choose to obey Him because He asks me to - because ultimately, He knows what is best - for me, but more importantly, for His glory.
Mind over matter. My heart says one thing, but my head knows the Truth - can I really trust what God says in His Word? Though I stumble constantly, I know I am forgiven - I live in the reality of His grace.
I don't have to feel Him to know that He is there - He tells me He is, but will I believe Him?
Tonight I was asked to reflect on an issue that I have struggled with, but have not expressed.
For the last four-ish years, I have not felt close to God, save for a moment here or there.
Prior to these four years, I was very much a feeling person and would struggle greatly if I did not feel God's nearness to me. And I think He put up with it and took our relationship to solid ground with letting me feel that closeness much of the time. Many of my friends would look at me today and still say that I was a feeling person, mostly because I am. However, something inside of me has changed.
While living overseas, God let the world as I knew it be shattered. It felt like God opened the floodgates of heartache and struggle and I knew I couldn't make it through. But I think that's just what He was teaching me.
I couldn't make it. But He could.
Problem was, He was the One letting it all happen and that didn't fit my image of Him. I had been obedient and had gone overseas to serve Him - it wasn't fair of Him to let all hell break loose when I was so far from home and there because He asked me to be. And what made it all much worse is that I no longer felt the warmth of His hand on me. I had no idea how to function in this new realization that God didn't feel close. In my head, there was a knowledge that God was always there - that He would never leave me - but it felt hollow. I cried and slipped into depression and it got ugly for quite awhile. Then I started hearing what my close friends were saying.
Mind over matter.
It seems quaint and cliche to say it in that way, but it has impacted my thinking on such a deep level. They helped me to realize that God is not a feeling. God is truth and God is love. What the Bible tells me is that God will never leave nor forsake me. It does not say that if I can't feel Him, He has turned away from me. Mind over matter. Matter being my heart most of the time.
It sounds cold. But the hard fact is that He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when others do, He will not. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He loves me any less. He's simply teaching me to love Him even when...my heart is broken...I feel alone...I can't go on...I can't feel Him. He pulled the rug out from under me...to reveal a beautiful hard wood floor.
It has made a world of difference. He tells us simply in the Bible that if we love Him, we will follow His commands (John 14: 15, 21, 23). It isn't about following Him when I feel like it. It is about a love relationship where I choose to obey Him because He asks me to - because ultimately, He knows what is best - for me, but more importantly, for His glory.
Mind over matter. My heart says one thing, but my head knows the Truth - can I really trust what God says in His Word? Though I stumble constantly, I know I am forgiven - I live in the reality of His grace.
I don't have to feel Him to know that He is there - He tells me He is, but will I believe Him?
8.02.2008
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Tears threatened to blind me as I frantically read every street sign, knowing that I had somehow missed the one I was looking for. The directions I had been given seemed straightforward, but nothing is so simple in this part of the country. The words, "Every little road leads to a big road eventually" played in my mind with the thought that even if a big road came along, it would not be helpful to me - I simply do not know the area well enough. Had this not been the second time in two weeks that I had gotten lost, it wouldn't have been nearly so stressful.
Before the tears won out, I cried out to Jesus, "Please, just help me - You know where I am and where I need to go - clear my mind so I can think logically." There was no blinking sign that said the name of my road and no voice from heaven saying, "Go this way." There was but a gentle peace that rested on my shoulders and worked its way into my heart, trying to massage out the frustration and exhaustion. Finally, I saw the name of my road and turned onto it. As I went further and further, I asked again for clarity of mind - and soon realized that I was going the wrong way. So I got turned around and nearly an hour after I left my friend's house, I returned home. It should have only taken 20 minutes.
But as I sit and process this event, I realize that God answered me. No one in the world knew where I was at that moment - I was completely alone. But God had His hand on me the whole time and when I called, He answered. He cleared my mind of the thoughts that hindered my logic and reminded my heart to live in His grace. In short, He covered me in His peace; and whereas I felt like I was on the edge of it - it was sufficient enough.
I was not thankful when I asked Him for help - I was frantic and frustrated. As I ponder the words in that passage, however, I see that He has made me thankful - despite my anxiety.
Lord, let my prayers to be an act of trust,
Not always a last ditch effort for sanity.
Please teach me.
And then help me to remember.
Thank You that You hear me and respond regardless.
Tears threatened to blind me as I frantically read every street sign, knowing that I had somehow missed the one I was looking for. The directions I had been given seemed straightforward, but nothing is so simple in this part of the country. The words, "Every little road leads to a big road eventually" played in my mind with the thought that even if a big road came along, it would not be helpful to me - I simply do not know the area well enough. Had this not been the second time in two weeks that I had gotten lost, it wouldn't have been nearly so stressful.
Before the tears won out, I cried out to Jesus, "Please, just help me - You know where I am and where I need to go - clear my mind so I can think logically." There was no blinking sign that said the name of my road and no voice from heaven saying, "Go this way." There was but a gentle peace that rested on my shoulders and worked its way into my heart, trying to massage out the frustration and exhaustion. Finally, I saw the name of my road and turned onto it. As I went further and further, I asked again for clarity of mind - and soon realized that I was going the wrong way. So I got turned around and nearly an hour after I left my friend's house, I returned home. It should have only taken 20 minutes.
But as I sit and process this event, I realize that God answered me. No one in the world knew where I was at that moment - I was completely alone. But God had His hand on me the whole time and when I called, He answered. He cleared my mind of the thoughts that hindered my logic and reminded my heart to live in His grace. In short, He covered me in His peace; and whereas I felt like I was on the edge of it - it was sufficient enough.
I was not thankful when I asked Him for help - I was frantic and frustrated. As I ponder the words in that passage, however, I see that He has made me thankful - despite my anxiety.
Lord, let my prayers to be an act of trust,
Not always a last ditch effort for sanity.
Please teach me.
And then help me to remember.
Thank You that You hear me and respond regardless.
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